what defines you?

have you ever asked yourself that question? ... a very close friend of mine who reads tarot cards told me one time that it's time to show everyone what I am all about?... I was held aback ... because there was a time that I thought that my work defined me ... but then again ... that didn't work out the way I was hoping it would ... it was like being kicked out of your bus to Baguio and being left out in the middle of nowhere not knowing where to go ... shocking... sad....mind boggling ... but it happens and it happened to me ... I just came from a bar and I saw a lot of different faces ... a guy who stands tall and seemingly intact ... but never wavering from looking who's looking at whoever there is ... hoping that someone was looking at him ... his male conquest probably defines him .. everything else has to lead to that ... a man who changes hair color till his roots are all dead .... changing with fashion ... changing with the seasons ... probably trying to find that final look that will define himself ... or the changes that he does defines him ... a man who parties in his white tank top filled with toned muscles and perfectly formed form, his hair pulled back to reveal his seemingly gorgeous face ... but walking aimlessly ... waiting for his love to come ... offering nothing but temporary gratification ... waiting ... waitng ... does this define him? ... blank eyes in smiling faces ... intense uncertainty masked by beautifully clad bodies ... gold, silver.. white ... black ... androgynous .... in the middle of this partying crowd ... a newbie ... searching for a friendly face .... an accepting glance ... a chance ... to find that someone who might be able to define him .... can love or the semblance of love really define someone? ...

I take a breath and leave ... as soon as I got home, I open the tv and caught a movie with character stating what defined her ... her advocacy and her love for animals ... i guess .. but that made me think ... thus this tirade ... or soliloquy ... or ... whatever ...

if my work doesn't define me anymore ... then what? ... it was never my fashion .... am anything but a fashionista ... nor my lovelife ... which looks like its not going to happen anytime soon or the next few years ... so does my quirkiness or my quirks define me? ... these of course is nothing compared to a number of people I have come to know and love ... I am still ... and safe ... probably due to self preservation ... a new found talent ... trying to adjust and understand ... and hopefully survive ... suddenly... you just wake up and realize ... that all those things have gone out the window leaving you with yourself ... naked and vulnerable ...

then I realize ... I define me ... I say what I am ... and there's no need to make people understand ... those who do not matter, I mean .... through the years, I have become a self preserving prick that doesn't live life like it should be lived ... with an embracing arm and an accepting heart .... because that is the only way that one could really make heads or tails of anything ... lessons come in spurts and if you don't get it ... it pours like there's no tomorrow ... enough to make you understand ... one has to live I think ... really live ... but continually pull himself back to the ground where everyone should be ... grounded and honest to oneself ...

I guess ... at this age ... I am still a work in progess ... these possibilities may define me .... I am a sponge and if whatever else comes ... i know things will get better given the amount of understanding and tolerance one has to offer ...

So what defines you?