?*&%@!!!?????

Are you confused? Are you the type of person who would wallow in your confusion and just swim in its spinning till it sucks you down to oblivion? or are you one who would try to at least find out where it all came from? I would like to think that I am the latter... Probably because I've been in that vortex several times... more than what I hoped for which is ... never... so in the many times that I have tried to hold on to something ... trying to make sense of whatever was happening I've realized that most of the answers to questions brought about by these confusing situations are really simple ... why am I fat? because you eat a lot ... why am I tired? because you haven't gotten any sleep... why am I lost? because you forgot to get directions... why do I feel empty? because you were never filled to begin with ...

But why the hell do we choose to stay in the middle of that confusion? and totally feeling miserable while in it ... beautiful, seemingly sane, perfectly beautiful women fall for men who are either married or is just a total ass of a person ... a grown up man able and capable to leave the house to create a life of his own stays in his parent's house scared of the world ... people who enter crappy relationships complaining all day of how they hate each other and are soooo fed up with all the nonsensical things they have to put up and yet still choose to be in that relationship .... are we all masochists or just tooo cowardly to do what we're supposed to do ... then again, under who's correct dogma? it's easy to say it's GOD's but at the end of the day, do we follow becuase we know its right or simply because we have to ....

Interestingly, the answers to these historically reocuring completely confusing questions has been historically, logically short - monosyllabic even - CHANGE, MOVE, DON'T, STOP, CUT ....

But the drama just has to come in ... emotional, psychological, most of the times egotistical complications that most of us are just too ready and accepting to let in ... these life spices that has to make everything so difficult... this is what soap operas, epic stories, novels and some bestsellers are made of .... in my writing class before, my instructor would tell me plot the humps that the main character should go through to keep him away from his "dream" or his goal... because that is what interests people ... your protagonist's journey IS the meat of your story ... because that's how your reader or your viewers will relate to these characters ... and therefore watch or read ... we are all just pragmatic voyeours that is concerned with how how some people would deal with their own personal deaths ... this is life's instruction manual ... one's drama may just as well be another one's salvation ...

Now then, if these complications which comprise much of life's drama is subjected to censorship, would this life be any fun at all ... NOW THAT obviously is truly it!

DRAMA is at the other end of the spectrum ... you can't have fun if you have not experienced being hampered, obstacled, or momentarily denied of FUN ... which again is more often than not confused with happiness ... Weirdly enough... the moment you get the need the "simplify" life, that's when you are actually complicating it ... confusing right?

To make it more understandable for me, a lot of times, I automatically shut down ... not even to process but to just feel it ... feel the confusion ... for just a few seconds ... then draw up my plan of action that usually is composed of super easy steps to simplify everything ... to make it more (as one of my colleagues would say) "palatable" - we all have to eat it up to digest it right?

So before i totally fall asleep... I've leave you with a quote that one of my chat mates sent me ...

"Sometimes you have to stop loving the most important person in your life
Not because the spark is gone, but because that person is unintentionally making you worthless"

Did you see the disconnect?

Then that's good ... you are now more confused than how you were before you read this article ..... enjoy the confusion ... but in a while ... you have to bounce back ... we always have to ... before you finally see the simplicity of it all ...

of lies, deceit, anger and the truth....

It's funny how you've been asking the same questions in your head and doesn't seem to find the answer... and for the longest time, you think that it doesn't matter anymore ... at all... then one day ... it just dawns on you ... and everything seems so clear ..

I was watching the movie "Georgia Rule" a while ago on HBO. It stars Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman, Dermont Mulrooney and Carey Elwes and today's bad girl of Hollywood, Lindsey Lohan. In the movie, Lindsey played Rachel a wayward teen who seem to have mastered the art of saying and doing the wrong things at the wrong time only to be later on revealed that she was molested by her stepfather ... a molestation which later on became an addiction... hidden by lies ... covered by deceit ... fueled by anger ... and because it was a seemingly well orchestrated lie ... the truth seemed so very hard to understand ...

It was in Dermont's line when Lindsey was pushing him to have sex with him that it finally struck me ... he said that he (the step father played by Carey Elwes) "has stolen everything from her (when he had sex with her when she was 14) and now she doesn't know the difference between a lie and the truth ..." when it happens and reasoning about it means more pain and suffering ... telling the truth doesn't look all that good...

I was seven when I first experienced the taste of what's supposedly meant for the intimacy of the bedroom ... i was sitting on the lap of a man (who's supposedly a distant relative by virtue of marriage) who's more often than not drunk ... when he started licking my neck ... touching my body ... and since there have been a lot of people who have always sat me on their laps ... I didn't know what this should make me feel ... all I remember is that I froze ... I didn't know what to do ... he was nice and all ... but that feeling made me feel weird... and funny ... and somehow... I began to like it ... though I was frightened to the core ... I didn't say a word ... my body was tingling and for the first time in my life, my senses were connected to this earth ... my skin was aching for more ... this didn't happen once ... and when it did, I just allowed him to do whatever he wants ... while he smelled of beer .... I was still ... i felt whoozy ... and I later became confused ... why does it feel so good? why don't I see other men doing it to boys like me... I was aware of other things ... men's body ...the smell of their breath ... the feel when they touched me ...

it happened again when my father was encarcerated ... I was 11... i used to stay in his area especially when school was out and I had my swimming lessons ... my father's friends who'd go into our room while he was away ... to touch me and have me touch them ... and although I felt the same fear ... there was a feeling of anticipated pleasure to what would happen ... most of the time felt numb ... trying to catch my breath ... especially when their bodies pressed down on me ... and I'd feel their big arms around me ... weirdly so ... I felt wanted... accepted ... and to a certain extent during that time ... loved ...

I lost my innocence early on ... and for some reason ... I was just screwed up ... I have equated love with sensual pleasures ... with domination ... but because of everything that I have been taught while growing up ... I've learned to mask my fear with anything and everything that I can muster ... because I want to be tougher ... stronger ... I pretended that I am not broken ... that I am loved ... that I am normal ... and that I am whole ... little did I know, I was pushing myself away from who I really am ... I confused real love with lust ... i confused concern with sex ... and because none of these were always readily available ... I prevented myself from feeling anythng ...

As I grew up ... falling in love became more difficult everytime it seemingly happens ... seemingly .. because after analyzing myself now, I've realized that I have more often than not equated being loved to being pleasured during sex ... and when the sex is not good ... I felt betrayed ... I felt taken for granted ... I felt like I was nothing ... Looking at the lives of my friends ... or people who I know who said that they were in love, I often find myself asking myself - why do they allow themselves to suffer? why do they fight and make up? why are they still together? and what is that feeling that really holds them together?

Right now, I'm far from being lost... unlike before ... but I must say that I after so many years am still confused ... is there a switch that we can hit to change the way I feel and see things? or is it a major life changing experience that would leave you alone and fighting for your life ... and though it may heal some old wounds, it would just create new wounds, maybe deeper ones ... so when does it stop?

I remember writing something years ago for a talk show an argument that may close the discussion - it was a discussion on rape ... how do we prevent it ... I wrote that to prevent rape, let us not create rapists ... that everyone, may have the capacity to be one ... or to be one ... and this is all dependent on how one has been brought up - a collection of all his experiences and the overall effect of each one ... how we introduce emotions - pleasure and pain, should be as clear and structured as we teach our children how to roll over, crawl, sit, stand and finally run ... or else, it would just create a different effect on their being ... well my producers and the hosts didn't buy it.

My psychologist told me to stop preventing myself from feeling ... most especially pain and sadness ... I should learn to acknowledge that I do feel it ... Growing up, in my effort to make it look like that I had control and I have figured everything out, I would tell my story to friends ... and sometimes to total strangers ... to shock them... to overwhelm them ... sometimes to entertain them ... but more often than not, to make them see that I am ok ... that I am together ... not knowing that whatever I am ... even right now ... does not even comprise the totallity of who I was supposed to be ... but what could've been would just be a mere reference on to self understanding ... but should not determine what can be ... I'm beginning to learn that ...

Wherever Lindsey Lohan was was where I was a few years ago ... in the movie, because of what has happened to her, Jane Fonda, her grandmother and Felicity Huffman, her mother somehow found the reasons why they felt that way with each other - indifferent and at times bitter... the movie ended with a possible solution ... that in the end ... the truth that they loved each other ... i mean really love each other ... will somehow help them all to get through that experience ...

Well ... years after ... I am still trying to find my semblance of a solution ... but now, more than ever ... though I would not want to be treated like a victim - weak and unknowing, I do acknowledge that what happened to me before makes me feel sad ... that because of that experience, I may never understand what true love is ... and what I am really looking for ... I have been robbed of my innocence and now ... I do not know the difference between a lie and the truth ...

I really hope that I would later on do ...

the skies weep at the loss of a woman who has embraced a nation .. like embracing roses filled with thorns

Today, August 5, 2009, the heavy rains pour over metro manila due to "bagyong kiko's" arrival ... to some, it is the sky weeping at the funeral march of former Philippine Presiden Corazon Aquino who everyone fondly calls Tita Cory. Though I was once called a martial law baby because I was born in 1972, it was in 1983 when I first became aware of what was happening in the Philippines. I remember my lola (my father's mother) crying about the death of someone called Ninoy Aquino. I was bewildered by the thought of her crying for someone who was not part of the family. Slowly I begin to realize what was actually happening. I saw it on the news and I begin to realize that our lives were not really good ... that we were poor and that there were people missing and were suddenly found dead ... that regular people lived in fear ... that there were thoughts not even allowed to be thought about ... that life was not as easy as breathing it ... and that there were people who were so involved and so committed to making everyone understand that there is a better life ... from this awakening, I got to know Tita Cory... a housewife to a family riddled by awkward, frightening, and painful occurrences caused by her husband's plight to make people understand ... that there is a better life and everyone had to believe in themselves and in their right as a human beings that they deserve no less than what the world can actually give them ... a birth right that everyone deserves ... freedom ... to decide, to choose and to live a humane life that they deserve . I never really thought of how hard it is for someone to be plucked out from her regular life to a public life of scrutiny, criticism, and uncertainty until 1986 when she was touted agaist the regime that seemingly has been the cause of this "invisible" oppression (to me in the beginning) ... what I clearly remember is that time when she requested for time to pray and really think about this overwhelming clamor for her candidacy as the next Philippine President - such a tall order for someone who has set her life to be a loving and caring mother and a faithful and supportive wife to her husband... as told in history, elections were held, anomalies surfaced, walk outs, media blackouts and then... EDSA happened caused by the defection of two military and political figures - Enrile and Ramos who locked themselves up in the two camps along EDSA - Aguinaldo and Crame in support of or in rebellion against the actions of the Marcos regime ... I was at home in bed when I started watching what was happening. Several channels were either cut off from broadcast or continued to pretend that everything was alright and on schedule ... the first station that was commandeered was Channel 2... Celebrities - singers and actors alike - (as much as I could remember, they were the APO Hiking Society - Jim Paredes, Danny Javier and Buboy Garovillo, Celeste Legaspi and Mitch Valdez) went on cam without their make-ups on - to show that they as Filipinos supported the "awakening" that was happening, they sang and performed for free and requested everyone to go to the streets to support everyone in Crame (by this time, all were in Crame to keep the protection manageable just in case they were attacked) ... I was 12 years old and I was overwhelmed by the support and the passion that these people showed - though there were people who were there am sure initially came out of curiousity, business opportunity, or just plain peer pressure... but everything changed when the tanks and the military came in - no one left and everyone united to convice the military to support peace and support change ... the videos aired on tv then were thanks to the courageous coverage of Bob Garon an obscure foreign national who just happen to have his video cam on hand when everything was happening ... the rest is in the history books ... the Marcos' abdicated ... Tita Cory became the 11th Philippine President .. and everything and everyone took on their personal agenda ... I guess to Tita Cory then, all she wanted to to do was to make things right through peaceful means - sharing the loving and caring energies that she had to what proved to be a feisty and undecisive nation ... she held her arms to us ... to embrace a country kicking and scratching against a love that seemingly does not suffice the need of a bruised and deeply scarred nation from the varied oppressions that they have experienced (so deep that may probably have been embedded into our dna's from the moment the Spaniards had arrived on Philippine shores) ... in the same year, my father was declared missing in action ... the government later on declared him dead ... later on, I found out that he was salvaged ... I was confused and lost ... I thought Cory would alleviate us from these things ... my mother then worked f0r the government and I was exposed to the many gruelling things that supposedly surround a life of service for the people ... I heard people complaining, spitting hurtful words against Tita Cory and her regime ... words of anger from poor people who said that they were becoming poorer ... Poor Cory, I thought ... all she wanted was to help a country who literally begged her to leave her comfort zone and plunge herself into a battlefield filled with hurt and anguish bringing only her love, faith and strength of character ... but then ... in one old footage, I saw Ninoy Aquino say "that the Filipino is worth dying for .." then, it thought again ... that in this lifetime, I wish I could understand what it really meant... more than two decades after ... with Tita Cory's death, I begin to understand becuase of the life that she led... in one of her old interviews she said (though I can not remember verbatim) "I am thankful that I am like you, it's an honor to be a Filipino.."

Now as she peacefully lies in her casket, people have gone again to the streets to watch her leave ... most probably with the same people who have lashed at her, criticized her, complained of their poverty which according to them was because of her governance ... I know for a fact, because I heard these things in the news, from the jeepney and taxi drivers, from the tinderas in the market and then some more ... impatient people who think that governing the c0untry is like magic .... impatient people that Tita Cory has expressed her love for ... I found out of her death Saturday at around 3 am ... I was supposed to go to see some friends but had to go home because they had to report to the network for immediate coverage ... as I was driving home, I wanted to stop in front of Tita Cory's house since I lived two houses away just to look at her quaint house which has not changed through the years - no high walls, no multiple storey construction, no elaborate artsy gate ... just a simple house - that's how she was .... she dressed simply, spoke clearly and sincerely ... a true mother for everyone ...

She represents reconcilliation and true democracy ... until her death ... on TV I saw Bongbong Marcos and Imee Marcos entering the Manila Cathedral to pay their respects - though the atmosphere was thick and uncertain, the fact still remains - that these personalities have acknowledged her work and her worth ... though this may be a brave gesture from the Marcoses, I feel sad because Tita Cory's death may as well be the visual cue of the death of reconcilliation and everything that she and Ninoy have worked hard for ... I really hope not.

There's more than a hundred thousand people on the streets right now despite the rains ... people have expressed their sympathy to the family ... people are now discoursing on how she lived her life and how her legacy will live on ...

This, however, is what I feel ... I feel that God has a deep and symbolic representations of how we as a person or even as a nation should reflect on our lives ... It is so sad that our nation historically have always been able to see the worth of people who have devoted their lives for the betterment of ours only after their death - the melodramatic scripts that has been so overly used... and sadly practiced by most of us ... if we only had a little more patience, a little more understanding ... a little more love for each other ... then these messages should probably mean more .... People weep and celebrate her work and her life ... most of her efforts now even after her term are highlighted and affirmed ... Tita Cory in so many people hearts (so they say) has now become a national hero ... some even say that they are now more than ever are proud to be Filipinos .... but what about tomorrow?

I will probably love my mother more ... think of my decisions better ... probably pray more often ... and respect what people stand for (not because am too tired to argue but because I acknowledge that they have the guts and the understanding that he have to make that stand) ... i really hope that this prods people to move silently and sincerely to make themselves first a conscentious and understanding Filipino ... one lighted candle combined with everyone else's might very well be what we need to illuminate our minds and our hearts to do what is categorically right ... but then again .. that's just me wishful thinking ....

Goobye to a brave, God fearing and loving woman ... I admire that she has the strength and fortitude to continously love her family and the Filipinos .... that's a feat that is really worth taking note of ... Goobye Tita Cory.

when a dark cloud looms ...

I am at my all time low ... it seems that everytime things start looking up ... i find myself in the pits... story of my life ....it's probably a rite of passage ... every single time ... funny how all my reactions are usually delayed ... especially for the really bad situations ... In college, I was held up while going home by 5 or 6 men - one holding my neck two guys on each sides and one in front ... the fifth guy was look out ... they were agit and were poking ice picks to my sides and was asking for my wallet and bag which I gave and when they started running, I ran after them ... only to realize that I (obviously) was outnumbered and chasing them would only mean that I'd probably be found in a corner bleeding to death from stab wounds ... not so visually nice ... today, i just realized i lost something ... work and a friend - two very important things to me ... and this is something I really don't understand...especially when communication is nil... I sat for a long time in my car ... not knowing where to go nor what to do ...

I just feel am soooooooooooooo soooooooooooo alone right now ...

what defines you?

have you ever asked yourself that question? ... a very close friend of mine who reads tarot cards told me one time that it's time to show everyone what I am all about?... I was held aback ... because there was a time that I thought that my work defined me ... but then again ... that didn't work out the way I was hoping it would ... it was like being kicked out of your bus to Baguio and being left out in the middle of nowhere not knowing where to go ... shocking... sad....mind boggling ... but it happens and it happened to me ... I just came from a bar and I saw a lot of different faces ... a guy who stands tall and seemingly intact ... but never wavering from looking who's looking at whoever there is ... hoping that someone was looking at him ... his male conquest probably defines him .. everything else has to lead to that ... a man who changes hair color till his roots are all dead .... changing with fashion ... changing with the seasons ... probably trying to find that final look that will define himself ... or the changes that he does defines him ... a man who parties in his white tank top filled with toned muscles and perfectly formed form, his hair pulled back to reveal his seemingly gorgeous face ... but walking aimlessly ... waiting for his love to come ... offering nothing but temporary gratification ... waiting ... waitng ... does this define him? ... blank eyes in smiling faces ... intense uncertainty masked by beautifully clad bodies ... gold, silver.. white ... black ... androgynous .... in the middle of this partying crowd ... a newbie ... searching for a friendly face .... an accepting glance ... a chance ... to find that someone who might be able to define him .... can love or the semblance of love really define someone? ...

I take a breath and leave ... as soon as I got home, I open the tv and caught a movie with character stating what defined her ... her advocacy and her love for animals ... i guess .. but that made me think ... thus this tirade ... or soliloquy ... or ... whatever ...

if my work doesn't define me anymore ... then what? ... it was never my fashion .... am anything but a fashionista ... nor my lovelife ... which looks like its not going to happen anytime soon or the next few years ... so does my quirkiness or my quirks define me? ... these of course is nothing compared to a number of people I have come to know and love ... I am still ... and safe ... probably due to self preservation ... a new found talent ... trying to adjust and understand ... and hopefully survive ... suddenly... you just wake up and realize ... that all those things have gone out the window leaving you with yourself ... naked and vulnerable ...

then I realize ... I define me ... I say what I am ... and there's no need to make people understand ... those who do not matter, I mean .... through the years, I have become a self preserving prick that doesn't live life like it should be lived ... with an embracing arm and an accepting heart .... because that is the only way that one could really make heads or tails of anything ... lessons come in spurts and if you don't get it ... it pours like there's no tomorrow ... enough to make you understand ... one has to live I think ... really live ... but continually pull himself back to the ground where everyone should be ... grounded and honest to oneself ...

I guess ... at this age ... I am still a work in progess ... these possibilities may define me .... I am a sponge and if whatever else comes ... i know things will get better given the amount of understanding and tolerance one has to offer ...

So what defines you?

FOR A CHANGE...

SOME USEFUL HOME REMEDIES...
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be removed almost instantly.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

USEFUL TOOLS. . .
WD-40 and Duct Tape If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape.

THINGS TO PONDER:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you wake up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

--------------------------- Source: http://www.skywriting.net/

who are you a fan of?

it was raining hard in makati ... a friend and I were walking from glorietta after purchasing some stuff from the face shop when we started talking about being a fan of something .... and I realized... i do not think I have ever been a long term fan of ... anything ... as compared to my friend who introduce Kate Moss to me and the league of runway goddessess called the supermodels ... I met him in 1992... I was a swimmer and a rower ... he was wearing the earliest form of the baby tee (he literally bought his clothes from the children's section of any depeatment store) .... he had big glasses .... promo bags from either Lufthansa or Adidas and was so darn skinny he could stand behind a meralco light post and he wouldn't be seen ... plus! his oh so valuable magazines with his beloved models plastered on them - striking a pose, creating a stir, or just being a bitch of a celebrity... his lovable fanaticism endeared him to me ... we used to call him Skate Moss ... and it was a no brainer when he finally joined the fashion industry as one of its notable stylists ... he was a fan and a proud one at that ... this led me to think... was I ever a fan of anything? I like Harry Potter but I do not know JK Rowling... I liked Voltes V and tried to follow it but I don't know the origins of anime... I thought I loved Menudo but I don't have their albums and I didn't see their concert ... and madonna ... well all I could do was listen to my friends and classmates who talked about her incessantly, have memorized her concerts and has bought her books ... then I remembered... we never had the money for such things ... I just had enough for school and decent pair of shoes ... i wanted the voltes V robot but all I could do was look at other kids as they play with theirs .. I was not given money for such things because it just wasn't important ... what I wanted wasn't really that important ... i've cried ... i've asked ... but all fell on deaf ears ... so i decided ... whatever I don't have... I don't need ... and what I don't need I shouldn't think about ... I had an exercise before with a very respectable teacher ... the exercise brought me face to face with my inner child ... he was quiet ... with wide eyes and a quiet way about him ... his hair parted neatly ... he would sit and stare at me ... waiting ... he was wearing his uniform - white polo, khaki shorts and black shoes ... it would've been ok if not for the other children screaming and laughing ... playing with each other ... wearing colorful clothes ... while he was sitting on a bench ... just looking ... I stopped ... i just had to ... because I don't know what to say .... to what I have done to myself ... slowly am trying to let that child free ... to like and laugh ... to know that it's alright to want ... that there's a way to get them .... that what he thinks is important and ... it's ok to be crazy about something ... because at the moment that one is within reach of his objective ... things look a lot more brighter ... who doesn't want something like that???