It's funny how you've been asking the same questions in your head and doesn't seem to find the answer... and for the longest time, you think that it doesn't matter anymore ... at all... then one day ... it just dawns on you ... and everything seems so clear ..
It was in Dermont's line when Lindsey was pushing him to have sex with him that it finally struck me ... he said that he (the step father played by Carey Elwes) "has stolen everything from her (when he had sex with her when she was 14) and now
she doesn't know the difference between a lie and the truth ..." when it happens and reasoning about it means more pain and suffering ... telling the truth doesn't look all that good...
I was seven when I first experienced the taste of what's supposedly meant for the intimacy of the bedroom ... i was sitting on the lap of a man (who's supposedly a distant relative by virtue of marriage) who's more often than not drunk ... when he started licking my neck ... touching my body ... and since there have been a lot of people who have always sat me on their laps ... I didn't know what this should make me feel ... all I remember is that I froze ... I didn't know what to do ... he was nice and all ... but that feeling made me feel weird... and funny ... and somehow... I began to like it ... though I was frightened to the core ... I didn't say a word ... my body was tingling and for the first time in my life, my senses were connected to this earth ... my skin was aching for more ... this didn't happen once ... and when it did, I just allowed him to do whatever he wants ... while he smelled of beer .... I was still ... i felt whoozy ... and I later became confused ... why does it feel so good? why don't I see other men doing it to boys like me... I was aware of other things ... men's body ...the smell of their breath ... the feel when they touched me ...
it happened again when my father was encarcerated ... I was 11... i used to stay in his area especially when school was out and I had my swimming lessons ... my father's friends who'd go into our room while he was away ... to touch me and have me touch them ... and although I felt the same fear ... there was a feeling of anticipated pleasure to what would happen ... most of the time felt numb ... trying to catch my breath ... especially when their bodies pressed down on me ... and I'd feel their big arms around me ... weirdly so ... I felt wanted... accepted ... and to a certain extent during that time ... loved ...
I lost my innocence early on ... and for some reason ... I was just screwed up ... I have equated love with sensual pleasures ... with domination ... but because of everything that I have been taught while growing up ... I've learned to mask my fear with anything and everything that I can muster ... because I want to be tougher ... stronger ... I pretended that I am not broken ... that I am loved ... that I am normal ... and that I am whole ... little did I know, I was pushing myself away from who I really am ... I confused real love with lust ... i confused concern with sex ... and because none of these were always readily available ... I prevented myself from feeling anythng ...
As I grew up ... falling in love became more difficult everytime it seemingly happens ... seemingly .. because after analyzing myself now, I've realized that I have more often than not equated being loved to being pleasured during sex ... and when the sex is not good ... I felt betrayed ... I felt taken for granted ... I felt like I was nothing ... Looking at the lives of my friends ... or people who I know who said that they were in love, I often find myself asking myself - why do they allow themselves to suffer? why do they fight and make up? why are they still together? and what is that feeling that really holds them together?
Right now, I'm far from being lost... unlike before ... but I must say that I after so many years am still confused ... is there a switch that we can hit to change the way I feel and see things? or is it a major life changing experience that would leave you alone and fighting for your life ... and though it may heal some old wounds, it would just create new wounds, maybe deeper ones ... so when does it stop?
I remember writing something years ago for a talk show an argument that may close the discussion - it was a discussion on rape ... how do we prevent it ... I wrote that to prevent rape, let us not create rapists ... that everyone, may have the capacity to be one ... or to be one ... and this is all dependent on how one has been brought up - a collection of all his experiences and the overall effect of each one ... how we introduce emotions - pleasure and pain, should be as clear and structured as we teach our children how to roll over, crawl, sit, stand and finally run ... or else, it would just create a different effect on their being ... well my producers and the hosts didn't buy it.
My psychologist told me to stop preventing myself from feeling ... most especially pain and sadness ... I should learn to acknowledge that I do feel it ... Growing up, in my effort to make it look like that I had control and I have figured everything out, I would tell my story to friends ... and sometimes to total strangers ... to shock them... to overwhelm them ... sometimes to entertain them ... but more often than not, to make them see that I am ok ... that I am together ... not knowing that whatever I am ... even right now ... does not even comprise the totallity of who I was supposed to be ... but what could've been would just be a mere reference on to self understanding ... but should not determine what can be ... I'm beginning to learn that ...
Wherever Lindsey Lohan was was where I was a few years ago ... in the movie, because of what has happened to her, Jane Fonda, her grandmother and Felicity Huffman, her mother somehow found the reasons why they felt that way with each other - indifferent and at times bitter... the movie ended with a possible solution ... that in the end ... the truth that they loved each other ... i mean really love each other ... will somehow help them all to get through that experience ...
Well ... years after ... I am still trying to find my semblance of a solution ... but now, more than ever ... thou
gh I would not want to be treated like a victim - weak and unknowing, I do acknowledge that what happened to me before makes me feel sad ... that because of that experience, I may never understand what true love is ... and what I am really looking for ... I have been robbed of my innocence and now ... I do not know the difference between a lie and the truth ...
I really hope that I would later on do ...
I was watching the movie "Georgia Rule" a while 
ago on HBO. It stars Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman, Dermont Mulrooney and Carey Elwes and today's bad girl of Hollywood, Lindsey Lohan. In the movie, Lindsey played Rachel a wayward teen who seem to have mastered the art of saying and doing the wrong things at the wrong time only to be later on revealed that she was molested by her stepfather ... a molestation which later on became an addiction... hidden by lies ... covered by deceit ... fueled by anger ... and because it was a seemingly well orchestrated lie ... the truth seemed so very hard to understand ...
ago on HBO. It stars Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman, Dermont Mulrooney and Carey Elwes and today's bad girl of Hollywood, Lindsey Lohan. In the movie, Lindsey played Rachel a wayward teen who seem to have mastered the art of saying and doing the wrong things at the wrong time only to be later on revealed that she was molested by her stepfather ... a molestation which later on became an addiction... hidden by lies ... covered by deceit ... fueled by anger ... and because it was a seemingly well orchestrated lie ... the truth seemed so very hard to understand ...It was in Dermont's line when Lindsey was pushing him to have sex with him that it finally struck me ... he said that he (the step father played by Carey Elwes) "has stolen everything from her (when he had sex with her when she was 14) and now
she doesn't know the difference between a lie and the truth ..." when it happens and reasoning about it means more pain and suffering ... telling the truth doesn't look all that good...I was seven when I first experienced the taste of what's supposedly meant for the intimacy of the bedroom ... i was sitting on the lap of a man (who's supposedly a distant relative by virtue of marriage) who's more often than not drunk ... when he started licking my neck ... touching my body ... and since there have been a lot of people who have always sat me on their laps ... I didn't know what this should make me feel ... all I remember is that I froze ... I didn't know what to do ... he was nice and all ... but that feeling made me feel weird... and funny ... and somehow... I began to like it ... though I was frightened to the core ... I didn't say a word ... my body was tingling and for the first time in my life, my senses were connected to this earth ... my skin was aching for more ... this didn't happen once ... and when it did, I just allowed him to do whatever he wants ... while he smelled of beer .... I was still ... i felt whoozy ... and I later became confused ... why does it feel so good? why don't I see other men doing it to boys like me... I was aware of other things ... men's body ...the smell of their breath ... the feel when they touched me ...
it happened again when my father was encarcerated ... I was 11... i used to stay in his area especially when school was out and I had my swimming lessons ... my father's friends who'd go into our room while he was away ... to touch me and have me touch them ... and although I felt the same fear ... there was a feeling of anticipated pleasure to what would happen ... most of the time felt numb ... trying to catch my breath ... especially when their bodies pressed down on me ... and I'd feel their big arms around me ... weirdly so ... I felt wanted... accepted ... and to a certain extent during that time ... loved ...
I lost my innocence early on ... and for some reason ... I was just screwed up ... I have equated love with sensual pleasures ... with domination ... but because of everything that I have been taught while growing up ... I've learned to mask my fear with anything and everything that I can muster ... because I want to be tougher ... stronger ... I pretended that I am not broken ... that I am loved ... that I am normal ... and that I am whole ... little did I know, I was pushing myself away from who I really am ... I confused real love with lust ... i confused concern with sex ... and because none of these were always readily available ... I prevented myself from feeling anythng ...
As I grew up ... falling in love became more difficult everytime it seemingly happens ... seemingly .. because after analyzing myself now, I've realized that I have more often than not equated being loved to being pleasured during sex ... and when the sex is not good ... I felt betrayed ... I felt taken for granted ... I felt like I was nothing ... Looking at the lives of my friends ... or people who I know who said that they were in love, I often find myself asking myself - why do they allow themselves to suffer? why do they fight and make up? why are they still together? and what is that feeling that really holds them together?
Right now, I'm far from being lost... unlike before ... but I must say that I after so many years am still confused ... is there a switch that we can hit to change the way I feel and see things? or is it a major life changing experience that would leave you alone and fighting for your life ... and though it may heal some old wounds, it would just create new wounds, maybe deeper ones ... so when does it stop?
I remember writing something years ago for a talk show an argument that may close the discussion - it was a discussion on rape ... how do we prevent it ... I wrote that to prevent rape, let us not create rapists ... that everyone, may have the capacity to be one ... or to be one ... and this is all dependent on how one has been brought up - a collection of all his experiences and the overall effect of each one ... how we introduce emotions - pleasure and pain, should be as clear and structured as we teach our children how to roll over, crawl, sit, stand and finally run ... or else, it would just create a different effect on their being ... well my producers and the hosts didn't buy it.
My psychologist told me to stop preventing myself from feeling ... most especially pain and sadness ... I should learn to acknowledge that I do feel it ... Growing up, in my effort to make it look like that I had control and I have figured everything out, I would tell my story to friends ... and sometimes to total strangers ... to shock them... to overwhelm them ... sometimes to entertain them ... but more often than not, to make them see that I am ok ... that I am together ... not knowing that whatever I am ... even right now ... does not even comprise the totallity of who I was supposed to be ... but what could've been would just be a mere reference on to self understanding ... but should not determine what can be ... I'm beginning to learn that ...
Wherever Lindsey Lohan was was where I was a few years ago ... in the movie, because of what has happened to her, Jane Fonda, her grandmother and Felicity Huffman, her mother somehow found the reasons why they felt that way with each other - indifferent and at times bitter... the movie ended with a possible solution ... that in the end ... the truth that they loved each other ... i mean really love each other ... will somehow help them all to get through that experience ...
Well ... years after ... I am still trying to find my semblance of a solution ... but now, more than ever ... thou
gh I would not want to be treated like a victim - weak and unknowing, I do acknowledge that what happened to me before makes me feel sad ... that because of that experience, I may never understand what true love is ... and what I am really looking for ... I have been robbed of my innocence and now ... I do not know the difference between a lie and the truth ...I really hope that I would later on do ...
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