I've been bitten by the blogster bug....

So here it goes .... I've been toying with the idea of writing down my thoughts since I was in highschool ...but alas... my thoughts are too violent even for my own consumption ... violence was not in its content (sometimes, yes) but in the process of getting it out of my brain ... putting it on something ... paper, my computer, on a piece of tissue ... I would be walking sideways just with all these thoughts in my head, get lost in the crowd .. trying to explain to myself how to make ends of stuff that just happen to fall on my lap ... s0me I'd pray for .. some just is ... to tame these thoughts I would open any notebook and just write ... anything ... sometimes in anger... sometimes with tears ... more often with a questioning heart that just wants to hear an explanation from someone I would really believe in ... in my head ... i have three screenplays, a hundred stories, a thousand essays, a million questions ... but then again who doesn't ... I've been living with my thoughts for the longest time ... too long i suppose ... they're coming out of me ... through my eyes, my ears, my pores ... but never from my lips ...my hands ... this very moment ... there is violence inside me ... painful and gnawing violence ... and yet i tame it with my silence ... my indifference ... the same thoughts that have explained to me the ways of the world by allowing me to see and feel other people's have reached critical mass ... thus, the reason for my writing ... once again, I have to tame this beast inside me - violent, enraged, confused ... i channel it through my fingers ... so fluid that I amuse myself as it flows clearly .. non-stop ... without tears ... i am fed up .... that's why I write ... bearing the pain from this violent confusion ... the irony of my so-called life .... the staggering self-inflicted pain from allowing things to happen to myself even if it has clearly divulged its irrevocable ending ... the reason why I write ...

blurred and hypoxic ... the state when one drowns ... no air ... no sight ... only images ... only bubbles ... but alas ... beneath that feeling of desperation ... there's a calming silence that tells you to accept and to let go ... that I am willing to do now ... finally .... accept and let go ... of these violent thoughts ... of the pain that has lingered in my heart ... today I begin ... today I decide ... today I trust ... and hopefully everything turns out how it's supposed to be ... I wonder what will happen next ...